What about the others? I'd be playing a rotten trick on them.
- They'll be happier when you're gone. - They have a war to win.
Well... what the hell.
If they don't want to fly any more missions, let them stand up and say so.
It's a deal.
Help!
Help him!
- What? - Help him! Help him!
- Help who? - Help the bombardier!
- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right. - Then help him. Help him!
Snowden.
- What'd he say? - He said, "Snowden".
Snowden's dead.
Snowden?
- Why is he talking to a dead man? - He's Captain Yossarian. He's crazy.
- Who says so? - I do.
- 'Cause I said I hate that son of a bitch? - Who?
- He hates Colonel Cathcart. - I didn't ask you, Orr.
- Colonel Cathcart isn't here. - Who said anything about him?
- Colonel Korn isn't here. - Who said anything about him?
- What son of a bitch do you hate? - What son of a bitch is here?
You don't make any sense.
- You've got a persecution complex. - Damn right.
- You admit it! - I'm being persecuted.
- By whom? - By them!
- Who is "them"? - Every one of them!
- Who? - Who do you think?
- No idea! - Then how do you know they aren't?
- That's sheer what-do-you-call-it. - Sophistry.
Like hell it is, McWatt. They're trying to kill me!
No one's trying to kill you. Eat your dessert like a good boy.
- Then why are they shooting at me? - They're shooting at everyone.
What difference does that make?
- Suppose everyone thought like you? - Then I'd be a fool to think any different.
You need your head examined.
There's nothing wrong with it.
- Look at it once, will you? - Your head is OK, Yossarian.
Please, don't do that.
- Doc... - What?
- I want you to ground me. - Don't start that again.
Doc, I don't want to fly any more. It's dangerous.
Listen, I told you...
Let's get out of here.
I've flown 35 missions. Now that sadistic nut has raised the number to 50.
In any other outfit I would've been rotated after 25. Help me.
I'm due for rotation myself in a couple of months,
if I don't break any rules.
One of the rules says I can't ground anyone just because he asks me to.
- Can you ground someone who's crazy? - I have to.
The rules say I have to ground anyone who's crazy.
I'm crazy! Ask anybody. Ask Nately, Dobbs, McWatt...
- Orr, tell him! - Tell him what?
- Am I crazy? - He's crazy, Doc. He won't fly with me.
I'd take good care of him, but he won't. He's crazy, all right.
- See that? They all say I'm crazy. - They're crazy.
- Why not ground them? - Why don't they ask me to?
- Because they're crazy! - Of course they're crazy.
And you can't let crazy people decide whether you're crazy or not, can you?
- Is Orr crazy? - Of course he is.
He has to be, flying after all the close calls he's had.
- Then why can't you ground him? - First he has to ask me.
- That's all he's gotta do? - That's all.
- And then you can ground him? - No. Then I cannot ground him.
- There's a catch. - A catch?
Sure, Catch-22.
Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him.
OK, let me see if I got this straight.
In order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy.
And I must be crazy to keep flying.
But if I ask to be grounded, I'm not crazy any more and I have to keep flying.
You've got it! That's Catch-22.
That's some catch, that Catch-22.
It's the best there is!
Good afternoon, men, this is Major Danby, your Flight Operations Officer,
welcoming you to today's mission.
You've all been briefed on this morning's run, so I won't go over the details again.
There's no sense naming names, since the enemy is probably listening,
and there's no reason I can think of to tell him where we're going to strike.
That's the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever heard him say.
Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland,
so you won't have any trouble seeing the target.
Of course that means that they will have no trouble at all seeing you.
Colonel Cathcart would like to say a few words before take-off.
- And so, without further ado... - Give me that!
Men, I'm not gonna waste any more of your time than I have to.
I wish you good luck on today's mission.
To those of you who won't come back, I'd like to say
we're gonna do our best to take care of your wives and/or sweethearts.
And don't forget: General Dreedle wants to see a nice tight bombing pattern
on those aerial photographs.
Everyone ready to go?
Colonel Korn, I'd like you to stay in the control tower.
Stay on top of this mission. I'd like to know when my boys make target.
Yes, sir!
What is it, Lieutenant Minderbinder?
- An egg, sir. - I know that, Lieutenant.
- A fresh egg, sir. - Where did you get the egg?
In Malta, sir, where there are enough chickens to lay fresh eggs
for every officer in the squadron,
at five cents apiece from the mess fund.
- Yes? - With a clear profit of two cents per egg.
- For whom? - Sir!
For whomever sells the eggs to the mess.
- And who may that be, Milo? - Ah, sir...
- Oranges from Marrakech, and pecans... - Pecans?
And in Palermo, sir, ten thousand gallons of the finest Italian olive oil.
The Sicilians need blankets. It would be a fair trade.
There's an interested party in Sardinia.
All we need is the co-operation of the countries that we're dealing with.
- What countries? - The African nations, sir.
Well, the countries in the Greater Mediterranean area.
So, what we have to have
is an additional assignment of personnel, a little time and a plane.
- What plane? - One of ours, sir.
If I had one, I could get the gasoline to Malta and bring the eggs back.
All right, Milo.
And if I was taken off combat duty until I get this thing into operation...
I know, sir, that I'm just an acting mess officer, Colonel,
but the job requires my full attention. It's to everyone's benefit.
- All right, take whatever you need. - Thank you, sir.
What I hope to do is to give the men the finest cuisine in the entire world.
- That's something to shoot at, isn't it? - Yes, Milo, it certainly is.
I'd like to show the Colonel something I've had printed up.
- What is it? - Just an idea, sir. It's a share.
- A share? - In M&M Enterprises.
If we get my ideas into practice, it should be organized like a mart.
- A mart? - Yes, sir.
A syndicate. An enterprise. There are tremendous profits to be made, Colonel.
- For us? - For everyone.
What will be good for M&M Enterprises will be good for the country.
- You'll have our full co-operation, Milo. - Thank you, sir.
If I could take a plane this afternoon, I'd like to get this materiel to Alexandria.
- There's a huge cotton crop this year. - Cotton?
Cotton is a particularly liquid commodity.
- How much? - We'll trade for it.
With what?
Silk! Four thousand yards of silk.
How in the world did you get hold of so much silk?
Where the hell's my parachute?
OK, all right, which one of you bastards stole my parachute?
Hello! Hello, this is the bombardier here.
We gotta turn back.
Nately, we gotta turn back now.
Nately! Do you hear me up there?
We gotta turn back. OK, we're gonna turn back now.
Nately, let's turn back. We're gonna turn back!
- What is it this time, Yossarian? - Some bastard stole my chute!
- Anything the matter? - My parachute... it's gone!
- Don't worry about it. - What do you mean?
What do I do if I have to bail out? Use my handkerchief?
That's the kind of humor in the face of adversity that keeps America strong.
- I like you, Yossarian. - I'd like to kill you, but I haven't got time.
You could have my chute, but I gave it to Milo.
- You gave it to Milo?! - He's got all the chutes.
He's got a hell of a deal going for silk in Alexandria.
Maybe I do have time to kill...
- Looks like they've seen us coming. - They've seen us!
Oh, God, they've seen us!
Better get ready to dump those eggs.
They're shooting at me!
Where are we?
Hey, Aardvark, where are we?
- I think we're there. - We're there?
We're there?!
We're there, eh?
Get ready to turn!
Four... three...
...two... one...
Drop! Let's go!
Turn right hard!
Turn, turn!
Turn, you son of a bitch! Turn right!
- Turn, turn right! - Look at that, will you?
I think we got 'em this time. I think we've got 'em where it hurts.
- I can't hear you. - Get back in the ship!
What's that?
Climb, you bastard! Climb!
Climb!
Fire!
- Fire on board! - Where's the fire?
- Get out of the nose! - I'm not in the nose.
- Speak up. I still can't hear you. - They're trying to kill us. Get out of here!
- Which way should I go? - Turn left, you son of a bitch!
Turn left!
Look, there goes Orr.
That stupid little bastard. Pull out!
I think you've caught a little something there.
Is that my leg?
Hey, is that my leg?
- What's with my leg? - Take it easy.
My leg!
Yossarian's caught one.
- What's that? - Help him!
- What? - Help him! Help him!
- Help who? - Help the bombardier!
- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right. - Then help him. Help him!
It's...
- What's his name, the new gunner? - Snowden.
Yeah.
Snowden.
- I'm cold. - OK.
- You're gonna be OK. - I'm cold.
I'm cold.
Over here!
Hurry up!
Hey!
- What? - I asked how you were feeling.
Oh.
Better, thank you.
What about you?
Me?
- Fairly well, thank you. - You're welcome.
Except for a slight head cold.
Had it for about a week. Can't seem to shake it.
You know what they're like.
No, I...
I don't.
I've never really had a head cold. I've tried but...
Can't seem to be able to get one.
Well, you're very lucky.
Yes...
...I suppose I am.
Except for this piece of shrapnel I caught in my leg.
Yes.
I've... never caught a piece of shrapnel.
You're a chaplain!
Yes. Didn't you know that?
No, I didn't.
I've never really seen a chaplain before.
I had no idea chaplains looked like that.
Well...
Well, if I can do anything to help you, anything at all, you...
Anything?
Like books, or... cigarettes.
Toys?
No, I have everything I need, thank you very much.
- You could do one thing for me. - What?
- If you could speak to Major Duluth... - The Squadron Commander?
Tell him I don't want to fly any more.
Cathcart's raised the number of missions again! He's trying to kill us all!
- I can't do it, because I'm desperate! - It's not my business...
I'm desperate!
I'll see what I can do. I really will.
I'm gonna do my best.
It takes me 45 minutes to do this thing.
First I sauté the chicken parts...
...then I put the raisins and the almonds in.
He, he...
I'm awfully sorry, sir.
- What's your name? - Major, sir.
I didn't ask your rank, I asked your name.
No, sir. I'm a captain. My name is Major.
Captain Major.
- Just about as clear as mud, isn't it? - That's what it's just about as clear as.
Listen, Captain.
You're familiar with Major Duluth, the Squadron Commander?
- He's a fine man, sir. - Was.
- Sir? - Major Duluth is dead.
- I'm extremely distraught to hear that, sir. - You may be distraught, but he's dead.
Shot down over Perugia this afternoon.
That'll teach him to go on missions when he's supposed to be in the office.
- Sir, I don't see... - We need a new squadron commander.
And you're the only major available on our headquarters staff.
No, Major is my name, not my rank.
That's close enough for me, Major. Consider yourself a major.
I don't know anything about being a commander.
We all have to make sacrifices, Major.
Sir, I'm in Billeting and Laundry!
I know that, sir, but we all have to do our part, I guess.
Well, I don't like my part.
Sergeant, I'm...
I'm going to take the rest of the afternoon off and...
...lie down in my tent and think about things.
Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.
- Now? - Yes, sir.
- Who is it? - Captain Tappman, the Group Chaplain.
- What does he want? - I don't know, sir.
Something to do with Captain Yossarian.
Look... Sergeant...
The job that I have to do is tough enough
without having to deal with a lot of people who want something. Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
- I suppose you're wondering about this. - It's not my place to wonder.
- People stare at me. Did you know that? - No, sir.
They're thinking, "Who is that Major Major,"
"that he gets to be commander without ever having flown?"
- I don't think people think that, sir. - Well, they are.
When I have this on, they don't know who I am.
Did you know, in the Middle Ages, Sergeant,
princes and kings would put on disguises and walk around their subjects?
- I didn't know that, sir. - You don't know everything, then.
- No, sir. Why did they do that? - Why did who do what?
Why did they walk around in disguise?
How the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not some historian or anything.
I'm just a guy trying to do his job. Good afternoon, Sergeant.
Sir?
- What is it now? - What should I do with the Chaplain?
Sergeant, I don't want anyone to come and see me while I'm in my office.
- What do I say to people? - Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
- For how long? - Until I've left.
- And then what? - I don't care.
- May I send them in after you've left? - Yes.
- You won't be here, then, will you? - No.
Also, I don't want you coming in while I'm in,
asking me if there's anything you can do.
When should I ask if there's anything I can do?
When I'm not there!
- What do I do then? - Whatever has to be done.
Sergeant, I'm sorry to have to talk to you this way, but I have to.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye, sir.
- Sergeant! - Yes, sir?
- Thank you, for everything. - Thank you, sir.
- The Major will see you now, Father. - Oh, thank you.
- You don't have to call me Father. - Sergeant Towser speaking.
Will you go in?
Yes, sir? Have it here, sir.
- There's no one here. - Where?
In Major Major's office.
- When? - When you go to see him.
What I mean is you can't see him when he's there.
When he's in his office. I've tried. Several times.
- When can you see him? Ever? - Yes, yes...
Yes, indeed, you can see him, when...
...he isn't there.
That is, he'll see you, all right,
but only... in his office, and only when he's not there.
The other times, when he's in...
...he's not...
...there... to be seen.
Except when he's out.
What the hell are you talking about, Father?
Get your ass in here, Padre.
Are you describing some mystical experience?
There are some peculiar things happening.
You haven't had any ecstatic visions, have you?
Didn't see a burning bush, hear voices, anything like that?
- Nothing as extraordinary as that, sir. - I hope not.
We have to keep our supernatural episodes down to a minimum.
- We have a war to win. - Absolutely, sir.
- May I ask where we're going, sir? - Where we're going?
You are going to Colonel Cathcart's office.
- Now? - That's the general idea, Padre. Now.
Is there anything wrong, sir? Have I done anything?
I don't know, Padre. Are you and Captain Yossarian up to something?
- I don't know what you mean. - Then who does?
I don't know, sir.
You don't know much about anything, do you, Father?
- No, sir. Sir? - What is it?
It's not necessary to call me Father. I'm an Anabaptist.
Thanks for the correction. Thanks for setting me straight on that.
- I just thought you'd like to know... - You're a captain, right?
- I'm a lieutenant colonel. Correct? - Yes, sir, it is.
Then I guess I can call you anything I want, unless you have some objections.
- Out! - Thank you, sir.
Sir, do you think now?
- Morning. Anything I can get you? - Morning, Lieutenant. What?
- Do you need anything? Any supplies? - No.
Whiskey, silk stockings, building materials, fresh fruit?
The Colonel loves fresh fruit.
Religious supplies? I can get my hands on a shipment of religious relics.
Blessed by the Pope himself.
The stuff includes the bones of some of your top saints.
That's very kind of you.
If you need anything, just ask for Milo.
- Well, I've never been issued a blanket. - Anything at all, now!
- Yeah? - I think the Colonel wants to see me.
- He does? - I believe so. I'm...
...Chaplain Tappman. - You're Chaplain Tappman?
Have a seat. I'll tell the Colonel you're here, Father.
It's not...
You'd better get some dry things.
Oh, I will. As soon as the Colonel is through with me.
- They just picked me up out of the sea. - They did?
- I drifted for almost three days. - You should report to the hospital.
- You could catch pneumonia. - Oh, no.
- Not me. This is my fourth time. - How do you mean?
I've had to put down in the Mediterranean once... once in the Adriatic...
...then I crash-landed one plane, and I bailed out once.
- You're very lucky. - That's what some folks say.
Yossarian says they're gonna start taking it out of my salary.
- Yossarian? - He's a friend of mine. Know him?
Yes. As a matter of fact...
- Captain Tappman! - Yes, sir.
- Perhaps you shouldn't fly any more. - It's good practice.
- Tappman, the Colonel is a busy man. - Yes. Yes, of course.
Well, Chaplain, we don't see much of you around here lately.
Well, sir, I try to stay out of the way as much as possible.
I think I make many of the men uncomfortable.
Nonsense!
I can't imagine any man not enjoying the benefits of your presence.
Unless they're atheists.
- Not much chance of that, though. - I don't know, sir.
- Atheism is against the law, isn't it? - No.
It isn't? Well, then it's un-American, isn't it?
- I'm not sure. - Well, I am.
And if I find any atheists on this base, they'll soon start believing in something.
Well, that's not why I called you in, Chaplain.
I want you to take a look at this.
Page 48.
Don't read the whole thing. You can get the point from the photographs.
There's a full-page picture of a colonel in England
whose chaplain conducts prayers before every mission.
I see no reason why The Saturday Evening Post
should not be interested in the story of my outfit.
Think up some nice snappy prayers that'll send officers out feeling good.
Can you do that?
- I'll try. - Well, good! Let's get to it!
Yes, sir.
Is there something else?
Sir, it may be none of my business,
but I think that some of the men are particularly upset
about the fact that you keep raising the number of missions they have to fly.
- You're right, Chaplain. - I am, sir?
That it's none of your business. And it's none of their business either.
Their business is to fly missions.
Your business is to think of some catchy prayers
that'll get me into The Saturday Evening Post. Good afternoon!
Yes, sir.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Padre.
He says the men are upset because I keep raising the number of missions.
- Yossarian. - What?
It's that Captain Yossarian. He's always bitching, always making trouble.
What can we do about it?
- What would General Dreedle do? - He'd crush him.
- Tear him apart! - Smack him in the face!
- Jab him in the kidneys! - Kick him in the balls!
Keep your head down between your legs.
Try to breathe deeply and evenly.
I'm sorry, Captain. I know how that must feel.
- I don't think so. - Try not to talk.
Just think about nice things. Think about how lovely it is here.
How lovely everything could be if someone didn't always try to spoil it.
- Why do you always try to spoil it? - Because I love you.
Well, I know that, Captain. I know that.
But this is wartime. We've got a job to do, Soldier.
We just can't give in to ourselves.
Think how it is for me: One of a handful of women on an island
with thousands of men.
Men who are giving up their lives for our country, for me.
Think of that... Captain Yossarian!
- What are you doing? - Listen, I'm gonna die.
No, no, no...
What is it?
What's the matter?
The name of the town is Ferrara, and...
...it's right around here. It's a very pretty town, on the coast.
- You all right? - It's her, it's her!
- Who? - Dreedle's WAC!
...if you do your job well, there won't be anything left of it, anyway.
Intelligence reports indicate that you shouldn't have to worry about flak.
We were hoping for some new recon photos of the area.
Unfortunately, they haven't arrived, but as I always say: No news is good news.
You may ask yourselves how come we're to destroy a town with no industry,
no enemy bases, no strategic value to anyone...
Ten-hut!
As you were. Good morning, gentlemen.
We're honored to have General Dreedle sitting in on today's briefing.
Don't pay any attention to me. Just carry on as usual.
- Don't pay any attention to Dad. Just... - Will you clam up?
Don't call me Dad.
- Go right ahead with your briefing, Major. - Yes... well...
Thank you, sir.
I was just telling the men here that we...
- Don't tell me; tell them! - Tell the men, Danby.
Yes. I was just explaining why we're going to obliterate...
- What about a chair? - Sir?
- A chair. - I beg your pardon, General?
A chair!
Doesn't anyone know what a chair is?!
- Can't you see a lady is standing? - A chair for Dad's gir... for the lady!
Carry on.
We're now going to synchronize our watches.
Now, we've all done this before, so I don't think we're going to have any problem.
If everyone will be kind enough to look down at his wristwatch, we can begin.
It is now 11.15 hours
minus 50...
...49... 48...
...47...
Yossarian!
Somebody's gonna get it!
All right, at ease!
There'll be no more moaning in this outfit.
The next man who moans is going to be very sorry.
...one!
Who is this man?
- Major Danby, sir. - Danby. D-a-n-b-y.
- Take him out and shoot him. - Sir?
- I said take him out and shoot him. - Yes, sir.
Take Major Danby out and shoot him.
- I think you'd better wait a minute, Dad. - What?
- I don't think you can shoot him. - Why the hell can't I?
Why not?
You mean I can't shoot whoever I want to?
- Is that a fact? - I'm afraid it is, Dad.
You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Moodus?
Just because my daughter married you for God knows what bizarre reason...
Oh, no, Dad, it's...
Let the insubordinate son of a bitch go, but get him out of here.
- Better do something. - All right, men. I think we...
...owe a vote of thanks to the General for visiting with us and cheering us all up.
In his honor, I'd like to make an announcement which may be of interest.
- You're all anxious to do your part... - Here it comes.
As of now, the number of missions required
before you are eligible for rotation is raised to 75.
I know we'll all do our best.
Ten-hut!
- Why are you smiling, you silly bastard? - Now I won't have to go home.
- You what? - I can stay. I don't have to leave her.
- What are you saying? - I love her.
I do.
I really do. I've never felt like this before, not even for my mom.
Men don't fall in love with girls like that.
Men always fall in love with girls like that.
One or the other.
I'm gonna take her back to Long Island with me.
You don't really love her. You think you love her.
How can you tell the difference between loving her and thinking he's in love?
You have to be objective.
- Who's objective? - I am, because I'm not in love with her.
You mean you think you're not in love? Then how can you tell the difference?
Wait a second...
Hey, look!
- Ooh, look what Aarfy's got. - Say goodbye, McWatt. Come on!
My dear... My dear, we had a lovely day.
Did you see what he did? Make him tell you what he did.
- What'd you do, Aarfy? - Nothing.
- Nice girl. Very nice girl. - She wanted us to go home with her.
- She was gonna show us a good time. - We had a good time.
We saw the Colosseum and other swell sights.
- Why didn't you take her home? - I won't take advantage of a kid.
- Old Aarfy's got some principles. - You've got a diseased mind.
She just wanted to jump in the sack with somebody.
She's mixed up. I gave her a good talking to.
He did!
I straightened her out and sent her home.
- You crazy bastard! - You're beneath contempt.
- He's got a dirty mind, hasn't he? - I don't see it that way.
They want us to go home with them.
- For how much? - $30!
- Who's the little runt? - Nately's whore's kid sister.
I wanna spend some time with my girl. I'll pay for all of us.
Give her the 30 bucks and send the other two away.
She'll be angry with me for making her work for her money.
She said that if I really loved her, I'd send her away and sleep with the other two.
I swear, you fellas..!
Come on, Yossarian, let's go!
Go on, you go.
- What's wrong? - What isn't wrong?
- Two more missions and we go home. - You know what's gonna happen.
No. A whole bunch of replacement pilots came into Naples yesterday.
- Who says? - Milo.
He just came from there with loads of coconuts.
We'll never see those replacements. We'll never see those coconuts.
Cathcart wouldn't dare raise the number again.
Who's gonna stop him?
Somebody will.
Come on!
Nately!
Nately, wait for me!
All right.
I want to get this clear.
As I understand it, we're giving these men medals for doing a lousy job.
- Is that right? - Not quite, Dad.
When I want an answer from you, I'll look at you.
- General, I think I can explain it. - You'd better.
Yesterday's mission was to bomb a town called Ferrara.
- Why Ferrara? - What do you mean, "Why Ferrara?"
- Do you know what Ferrara is? - It's a town on a hill.
- Do you know what's in that town? - Five minutes to target.
- What's in it? - Nothing.
Nothing's in it. No Germans, no munitions.
No railroad crossing, no harbor, nothing.
- Nothing at all? - No.
Except people. Italian people.
And a monastery.
Yossarian, maybe it's some kind of strategy thing.
- What the hell are we doing? - It's not our business to ask.
- Whose business is it? - Four minutes to target.
- Are you ready to take us in, Yossarian? - Get ready to dump.
- We're not there yet! - Get away from there, Aardvark!
Come on, Yossarian, you'll screw up the whole mission!
- Get ready to turn! - What are you doing?
- Cut it out, Yossarian! - Get ready to turn!
A direct hit... on the ocean?
Yes, sir. A marvelous bomb pattern.
We have aerial photographs if you'd like to see them.
Are we decorating men who've dropped 20 tons of bombs...
...on the Mediterranean? - Sir, if you consider the alternative...
The alternative is that we take the whole crew and shoot 'em.
- Might be a problem there, sir. - All right, I know.
If we can't shoot the bastards, we can court-martial them.
See that they rot in some stockade.
Well, sir, we felt that a court martial might get unavoidable publicity.
And if it got around that we used one of our missions to bomb the ocean...
You don't have to say anything more, Colonel.